FEATURE - The making of a memoir

A few months ago, HT Editor Victoria McGuin, read Gay Liddington’s memoir, Will I Ever Be Who I Am? It was virtually impossible to put the book down. Victoria recently caught up with Gay to find out more about the mental and practical journey in creating a memoir.

by Victoria McGuin

In 1994, Gay Liddington wrote a poem entitled Enigma, an expression of her search for self and meaning. Little did she know, the last line of the poem would, 30 years later, become the title of her memoir, Will I ever be who I am?

It’s not that I am

but that I am not,

Not that I was

but that, I have never been.

As the sun cannot become the moon,

nor the moon become the sun,

I cannot be who I am not,

but will I ever be who I am?

I met with Gay on a glorious, fresh, sunny morning, overlooking the Glasshouse Mountains at Tranquil Park in Maleny. We were attending a Literary Lunch, which was fundraising for Speak Up Now (they raised $630 from the event), and the combination of literature and support for domestic violence survivors seemed fitting, given Gay’s life story.

“My existence had been one of secrets and I felt like I’d been on a lifelong quest to ‘know’ myself. Growing up with sexual abuse and family violence had left me confused. In my thirties, whilst dealing with a Pandora’s Box of emotions, anger led me to the idea of writing a book as a way of achieving justice.

“Also, I’ve loved writing since I was a child. In Primary School, Copybook writing was a favourite—watching the pen’s nib leave a trail of curves and swirls of black ink perfection.

Writing letters to penfriends, aunts, cousins, and anyone who would write back received my prompt attention. High school afforded me an inspiring English teacher, but my education was cut short when, at the end of Grade 9, at 14, I was told I had to find a job to help support our family of seven. 

“At 28, I wrote my first poem and in the mid-80s, became a founding member of Mackay Writers Group. Ten years later, they awarded me Life Membership for my service to the group. Working with other writers taught me new skills and led to my exhibition of framed poetry at the library and performances at Mackay Arts Festival.”

Gay said she faced challenges while writing her book, the major one being self-doubt, which held her back until 2010, when an opportunity to write stories for a local book came her way. 

“The editor initially asked me to contribute one story to the Earth Dreams Magic project, a Hinterland Business Centre venture, and then asked me to continue. They published 15 of my stories and three poems. Even so, I had difficulty in owning my status as a writer.

“Then, in 2014, I received a phone call from the then-editor of the Hinterland Times, Michelle Gilmore. They were seeking a new feature writer. My friend and author, Dale Jacobsen, had recommended me. 

“Doubt plagued me. However, as I wrote and received positive feedback and encouragement, I flourished, and seven years ago, decided to write a memoir.”

There were stumbling blocks along the way, but Gay worked to overcome them.

“Despite my continuing to write and perform poetry and comedy, along with my growing confidence as a freelance writer, I still struggled with my own story. I often joked that I’d spent much of my life in therapy, but in fact, I have!

“Continued healing paralleled with me beginning my memoir, and in 2019, I attended Edwina Shaw’s Relax and Write Retreat for women, and another the following year. Consequently, Edwina became my editor and friend and the book soon gained momentum.”

Gay has five half-siblings and while two have encouraged and supported the telling of her story, three have not. She admitted that has been a difficult path to navigate, but understands some of her younger siblings have their own memories and prefer not to affect them by reading Gay’s memoir.

This is the Gay I know, full of kindness and empathy for others, but now also realising she has to honour her own path and share her truth.

I asked how Gay managed to stay on track and maintain integrity with her concepts?

“As the book neared completion, the challenge for me was to believe in my own ideas, as my pattern is to think that others are better qualified and know more than me. However, I won through. 

“It helped that some of my friends would echo my ideas at times, without me saying anything beforehand. That would actually reaffirm that I was on the right path and should trust my instincts.”

So, what did Gay learn about the art of writing a book? 

“It requires different skills than crafting features for Hinterland Times. In the early stages, I wrote what is called a ‘vomit draft’ … getting the story out, no editing, and not too much thought. Just write.

“With Edwina’s guidance, I learned to write scenes, to bring in the senses, to draw the reader into the story and hold them captive. Sometimes, she would read my draft and say, ‘Go into the pain, write it as a scene’. More therapy!

“I loved the process of learning to write a book and reading other memoirs helped discern what worked and what didn’t work.”

I wondered how writing such a deeply personal memoir had affected Gay; how she felt once it was completed.

“In the main, writing my story was a journey of trust, believing that everything would turn out all right, and it has, being blessed with wonderful support along the way,” Gay said with her generous smile. 

“Also, an interesting outcome since finishing the book is that I no longer have nightmares relating to past trauma.

“Will I ever be who I am? I know and can tell you this: while one can overcome aspects of the trauma abuse inflicts, it remains part of who you are. We are the sum of our history, but it’s what we build from that history that shapes the person you become.”

Books available from June 1: Rosetta Books, Maleny, Annie’s Books on Peregian, The Candle and Quill Bookshop, Montville, and online at edwinashaw.com